Kiss our Tiara
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Men as Real Estate
We, the people, of the United States of America... Err, We the Women of the shiny and bejeweled Tiara have created yet another way to classify the men in our lives.
Why, You may ask, do we insist on finding ways to classify men? Simple. It is our way of dissecting and understanding the XY breed, entertaining the masses, and teaching men a little about themselves and who they want to be.
There are several classes of men as real estate. Some you have become all too familiar with, others you continuously look for.
Starter Home- We all know them, we all know that this type of real estate may be damn near impossible to avoid, but we all really should try. Starter homes are small, poorly built, cracker box style homes. Starter males are quite the same. There is definitely something wrong with them, whether it is a sixth toe, a bad temper, or a strange twitch. The starter male does keep a roof over your head, (e.g. Date for weddings or Valentines) but under no circumstances should they be inhabited for the rest of your life. ACCEPTABLE for a short amount of time, but certainly NOT a lifetime.
The Fix'er'upper- These men can actually be quite the find. They need a little work, sure, but they are structurally sound. Maybe they need a coat of paint, but they have something we are all looking for: Potential. These men know that their stock could be worth more, and are willing to change, for the greater good of them, and for the greater good of you. A FANTASTIC buy.
Frat House- Similar to the Fix'er'upper, only these men do not want to change. The real estate may be nice, but they are happy being covered in beer cans, cigarette butts, and last night's party participants. NOT a good use of hard earned money.
Vacation Home - A vacation home is always a welcome addition to any girl's personal real estate portfolio. It offers an escape from the everyday, a distraction from the mundane. The vacation home affords you the opportunity to experience the rodeo with a cowboy, to get in the best shape of your life with a personal trainer, to party with rockstars and to experience things most only dream of. Above all else though, one must remember to return home from vacation. A night out with a rockstar is fabulous, a lifetime with a rockstar means having to live with Ozzy Osborne and the man who translates his incoherent ramblings into intellectual speech.
Seedy Motel - Seedy Motels have always been a tempting choice for an afternoon of great sex that you don't want to get caught having. Men who are like seedy motels are tempting because their reputation precedes them (you know they'd be a good time) and you don't have to worry about being judged for your lack of better judgment (you don't know anyone who hasn't slept with them). However, just as you fear the sanitary condition of the average Motel 6, seedy-hotel-man requires that you wear a life-size condom to ward off any potential hazards. In this instance, look but do not touch. Definitely do not consider purchasing, once a seedy motel - ALWAYS a seedy motel.
Mansion- This could be IT, if you are willing to put in the time. When looking at it from the outside you think, this is the one for me! Pretty, well built, nice landscaping, Often, they are quite a bit of maintenance, including but not limited to the house keeper, butler, Grounds keeper, cabana boy... You know, the works. Offen these Mansion men know that they are quite the looker, and are very conceited... If you have the time, and the money, sure make the down payment. But if not, head for the hills with the cabana boy.
Crack house- These are those men who have made many bad decisions in their lifetime, no money, no job, too many problems to count. You feel sorry for them, but allowing them into your life will give you more problems in your life than you can solve. Dirty, run down, dangerous men that you should only see being arrested on Cops! Don't do it honey, you are better than that! If you need "Housing" get yourself an apartment to start off with!
Penthouse- Penthouses are normally located in urban areas, usually downtown. This is especially important because although they appear to be shiny, modern, hip and damn near perfection... Underneath all that new paint lies an old deteriorating warehouse. What's worse is that penthouses are surrounded by urban eyesores: dive bars, scary convenience stores, XXX shops, and cheap hotels. The age-old adage "you're only as good as the company you keep" certainly applies here. Penthouses are only acceptable for the nuevo-riche and those who want to have a fun night on the town with someone who knows the area. It's important to remember that underneath all those shiny new accessories lies a big crumbling mess.
Apartment - These are nice for a temporary basis, Six months, no more than a year. Sort of like a starter home, but a little less stable. The nice part about these apartments are they are very low maintains. Got a problem???
Call for maintenance. All you gotta do is pay your rent. IE: The apartment man is good for some things- dinner, dates, entertainment...Wink wink. Not bad, but not good either.... Deal with the apartment for a while, then move up in the world.
So there you have it, a few choices for your housing needs. Choose wisely ladies and gents, don't sign on the dotted line too quickly,and remember equity is everything!!!
We, the people, of the United States of America... Err, We the Women of the shiny and bejeweled Tiara have created yet another way to classify the men in our lives.
Why, You may ask, do we insist on finding ways to classify men? Simple. It is our way of dissecting and understanding the XY breed, entertaining the masses, and teaching men a little about themselves and who they want to be.
There are several classes of men as real estate. Some you have become all too familiar with, others you continuously look for.
Starter Home- We all know them, we all know that this type of real estate may be damn near impossible to avoid, but we all really should try. Starter homes are small, poorly built, cracker box style homes. Starter males are quite the same. There is definitely something wrong with them, whether it is a sixth toe, a bad temper, or a strange twitch. The starter male does keep a roof over your head, (e.g. Date for weddings or Valentines) but under no circumstances should they be inhabited for the rest of your life. ACCEPTABLE for a short amount of time, but certainly NOT a lifetime.
The Fix'er'upper- These men can actually be quite the find. They need a little work, sure, but they are structurally sound. Maybe they need a coat of paint, but they have something we are all looking for: Potential. These men know that their stock could be worth more, and are willing to change, for the greater good of them, and for the greater good of you. A FANTASTIC buy.
Frat House- Similar to the Fix'er'upper, only these men do not want to change. The real estate may be nice, but they are happy being covered in beer cans, cigarette butts, and last night's party participants. NOT a good use of hard earned money.
Vacation Home - A vacation home is always a welcome addition to any girl's personal real estate portfolio. It offers an escape from the everyday, a distraction from the mundane. The vacation home affords you the opportunity to experience the rodeo with a cowboy, to get in the best shape of your life with a personal trainer, to party with rockstars and to experience things most only dream of. Above all else though, one must remember to return home from vacation. A night out with a rockstar is fabulous, a lifetime with a rockstar means having to live with Ozzy Osborne and the man who translates his incoherent ramblings into intellectual speech.
Seedy Motel - Seedy Motels have always been a tempting choice for an afternoon of great sex that you don't want to get caught having. Men who are like seedy motels are tempting because their reputation precedes them (you know they'd be a good time) and you don't have to worry about being judged for your lack of better judgment (you don't know anyone who hasn't slept with them). However, just as you fear the sanitary condition of the average Motel 6, seedy-hotel-man requires that you wear a life-size condom to ward off any potential hazards. In this instance, look but do not touch. Definitely do not consider purchasing, once a seedy motel - ALWAYS a seedy motel.
Mansion- This could be IT, if you are willing to put in the time. When looking at it from the outside you think, this is the one for me! Pretty, well built, nice landscaping, Often, they are quite a bit of maintenance, including but not limited to the house keeper, butler, Grounds keeper, cabana boy... You know, the works. Offen these Mansion men know that they are quite the looker, and are very conceited... If you have the time, and the money, sure make the down payment. But if not, head for the hills with the cabana boy.
Crack house- These are those men who have made many bad decisions in their lifetime, no money, no job, too many problems to count. You feel sorry for them, but allowing them into your life will give you more problems in your life than you can solve. Dirty, run down, dangerous men that you should only see being arrested on Cops! Don't do it honey, you are better than that! If you need "Housing" get yourself an apartment to start off with!
Penthouse- Penthouses are normally located in urban areas, usually downtown. This is especially important because although they appear to be shiny, modern, hip and damn near perfection... Underneath all that new paint lies an old deteriorating warehouse. What's worse is that penthouses are surrounded by urban eyesores: dive bars, scary convenience stores, XXX shops, and cheap hotels. The age-old adage "you're only as good as the company you keep" certainly applies here. Penthouses are only acceptable for the nuevo-riche and those who want to have a fun night on the town with someone who knows the area. It's important to remember that underneath all those shiny new accessories lies a big crumbling mess.
Apartment - These are nice for a temporary basis, Six months, no more than a year. Sort of like a starter home, but a little less stable. The nice part about these apartments are they are very low maintains. Got a problem???
Call for maintenance. All you gotta do is pay your rent. IE: The apartment man is good for some things- dinner, dates, entertainment...Wink wink. Not bad, but not good either.... Deal with the apartment for a while, then move up in the world.
So there you have it, a few choices for your housing needs. Choose wisely ladies and gents, don't sign on the dotted line too quickly,and remember equity is everything!!!
:: posted by Rebecca, 2/01/2006 08:17:00 AM
3 Comments:
So are cars next?
Pips, Read again. We definately wrote one while all the while thinking of you.
;)
;)
Oh, no no no...
We would NEVER refer to you as a seedy motel.
A mansion- you are a mansion.
High maintenance and very pretty. Yes, Yes.
We would NEVER refer to you as a seedy motel.
A mansion- you are a mansion.
High maintenance and very pretty. Yes, Yes.
